Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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