They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
