Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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