K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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