There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think i peed on brittanys purse
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
