Sry I called you an 8
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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