what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
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2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
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I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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