Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
