I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
