I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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