The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
