Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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