i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
