Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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