I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
