she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
