Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
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i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We need a shit load of segways right now
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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