Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
