He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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