just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
