LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
