i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
