I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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