is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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