Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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