i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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