Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
