glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
