you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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