she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
