Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
