I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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