Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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