I didn't shave. On purpose
I need to stop coming to work sober
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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