I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
