Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
