i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
