Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
