Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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