I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
