We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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