i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
