i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
