I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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