I accidentally had phone sex last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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