i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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