just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
