she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
