Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
