best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
