"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
