Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
