ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
