I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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