The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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