just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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